Sunday, October 5, 2008

Fatherly Love

Me and my dad used to be really close. Not so much anymore. I moved away when I got married and of course I cried a little because since my dad and stepmom had just gotten divorced I was afraid of what my dad was gonna do. Well I guess my dad took that as I was upset to leave. I was a little bit but once I started my life with Ben down in TN I didn't want to come back. Well I guess my dad thought that I would want to and when we got into our first fight I told him that the only reason I moved back was to finish my degree, which IS why I moved back. Apartently that hurt him. I dont know why he would think I would want to just leave my husband down in TN and move back in with him. Is he crazy? Well our first argument happend a few weeks ago. First you have to realize that we both are very stubborn and that he is an alcoholic and has an anger problem. Anywho we started arguing, I brought up his drinking, he brought up how I didnt really want to be here and yadda yadda. It all came down to him telling me to get out of his house. He ended up saying sorry the next day and obviously I stayed but I was still hurt. I pay him rent now each month and I pay for my own food. Well tonight I walk into the kitchen to get something to eat and I ask him a simple question about the hamburger and he starts jumping my case about how I never help around the house and how I dont take care of my dog. Im sorry but everytime I come home from working 12 hours a day or from school the dishes are already done and the house is already clean. His girlfriend does all of it. Im sorry that I dont do dishes after every meal like she does. I'll do them once a day but not after every freaking meal. And when it comes to my dog, I do take care of him. I love Rascal more than anything but when I work 12 hours a day I have to put him in his kennel or he will tear up stuff around the house. He isnt in there for 12 straight hours though. I call my grandmother who lives right up the street and ask to if she wouldnt mind coming down to the house and letting Rascal out for a little bit so that he can stretch his legs. I can't help the fact that I have to work, do my internship and have class also. Im freakin trying to graduate in December.
I guess I just dont know what to do anymore. I am not happy here but I dont want to go anywhere else but TN with Ben. And I cant leave because of class. I am only eight weeks from getting my degree. I dont want to throw away all of my hard work. I just wish that we could talk to one another and him not get mad and raise his voice and interupt me all the friggin time. He just gets so mad that I am afraid that he is going to hurt me. I just really dont want to be here anymore. I wish that January would hurry up and get here so that I can go and live with my friend Stacey far far away from here. I mean I love my dad dont get me wrong but ever since him and my stepmom split up he has been really weird. I know he is under alot of stress but that is no excuse to treat your daughter the way that you do. One thing that he said to me tonight was that Im not going to be a good mother and that me and Ben arnt going to make it. Who the heck does he think he is. There is one thing that me and Ben have done for three years and will continue to do until the day we die and that is to never go to bed angry. Yea we get into our arguments but who doesnt. At the end of the day I still love him more than life its self. My dad ended up taking it all back but it still hurt. I know that I will be a good mother to mine and Ben's children because I will not let them live the childhood that I did. I dont want my kids to have to go through that. And I KNOW that me and Ben are going to make it because we have both learned from each of our parents mistakes. It just ticks me off when people dont believe in us but I really dont care because all we are going to do is prove everyone wrong.
I just pray to God that me and my dad can get back the relationship that we used to have and that he gets help for all the things that he has wrong with him. aka drinking, anger, depression.
Dad, if you end up reading this(which you wont cuz you dont know how to work the computer) I just want you to know that I still love you. Just please, please let me life my own life!

1 comment:

  1. I'm really sorry to hear about the problems you are having with your dad. Just know that things will work out the way they are supposed to. I'm sure your dad still loves you very much and I hope for the both of you that he will realize he is jeopardizing a close relationship with his daughter. You'll get through these next 8 weeks. I believe in you. You've already been through so much that I know you can make it. Be strong. "Keep your head up gorgeous, they'd kill to see you fall." You need to come out with Adam and I some night. Or even with just me. We have a pretty good time and you need to get away from that hectic life of yours. And thanks again for the referral for my hair. It was great and I think Im going back for highlights :0) I hope you have a good week and Im sure Ill talk to you sometime soon!


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